I don't really know how I ended up like this.
I mean, this is not how it is supposed to be.
23 and I'm standing in the wrong place - just like that!
How did it happen that I just can't really move to where I want to be.
How the hell did time go by so quickly?!
I was 17, finished my school with ... well an average grade and then I went to university - not even 100 km from my home - and studied for 4 years before finishing my bachelor.
And now I'm studying for my master and applying for medicine.
I mean yeah, having a bachelor with 22 is quite ... a lot. And I am proud of myself but this is just not right.
It feels so wrong to do this!
I don't wanna make my master, I don't want to study media informatics anymore.
This is not what I wanna do!
I want to study medicine!
I dream about it every day, for over a year now!
And I apply like an idiot, I even work at a hospital right now!
I want to study medicine SO hard.
And although I am sometimes pretty lazy, I would really work my ass off if I got the chance to study medicine.
Because that's all I want.
And all I can think about!
And still my chances are so freakin' little that my hope is way down!
I didn't get as many points as thought and with that, not even my summer application will work - unless I get the bonus points which are freakin' hard to get!
Almost IMPOSSIBLE!
So no.
No hopes.
I have to go to Vienna to take a medical test and I really suck at that! Because there are all those stupid assholes with perfect grades and then there's me.
I don't really have a big self-consciousness, I actually really suck at that too!
But I REALLY want to do this!
And if medicine doesn't work I have no FREAKIN' idea what to do!
Because I just can't imagine doing this right now as a job.
So why the fuck did I even start studying it?!
How could I be so damn stupid?!
I mean, SERIOUSLY?!
This is ... just.
This is not it.
This is not how I want my life to be.
And I want to change that!
I want to change almost every part of my life right now!
Because apart from the studying thing, I hate my apartment.
I hate my stupid neighbors who just hear music too loudly and give a crap about others!
And I hate it, that I don't get ANY sunshine inside here!
I just UGH!
But as long as medicine is working, I'm freakin' STUCK here!
And that sucks.
And apart from that, there's still my private life that sucks right now.
It's kicking my stupid ass so hard, that I have really difficulties to keep standing.
I am 23. _23_ and how the HELL did I end up like this.
Like _this_.
This is miserable.
This is SO damn pathetic that I want to really smack myself in the face and shout 'wake up!'
I mean what did I expect?! Prince Charming on a horse?! With roses and chocolate?!
That is ... that is just not okay.
And I know that I got out of this story as the bad guy - again!
I knew it I just fuckin' KNEW it!
Because obviously I can't do anything else in this matter than being the mean guy.
Or getting MADE the mean guy.
But I am sick of being the bad girl all over again - I was for a freakin' long time now and I HATE IT!
If you can't except me for who I am then Go. Fuck. Yourselfs.
Fuck yourselfs SO hard!
And don't fucking come around and tell me what a bitch I am just because YOU have a different expectation from what I really am.
If you want to hurt me that badly, congratulation! You did it.
But don't ever make even a liiiiiittle sound if I shove my fist into your faces!
This. Fucking. Sucks.
UGH!
Medicine HAS to work out!
It just HAS to!
Because this is not my life and I want it to be my life!
I will change this.
I will change my story!
Because this. is. not. it!
